I was made to be wide-eyed all the days of my life.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Gold, Crimson, Spice

Big things come in small ways sometimes.


All week long I've been going to a seminar on resolving basic youth conflicts int he home and man....
its been wearing me out.  The "Work all day and then the seminar till 10:00 to get to bed late to wake up early to do it all over again" routine wasnt working out for me.

So, this afternoon after work, while driving home after work, I wasnt paying much attention. You know, dazed driving.
Whipping around country roads and up and down surly hills, I went unaware of what was going on around me.

The world was changing before my eyes.
Dazed, I did not see.
Tired, I was unaware.

Until I hit a bump.Water from a passerby puddle splashed up onto my windshield, waking me up.
Rendering me aware.

I pulled my classic car on to a small side street lined with trees, parked  and sat in my car.
Eyes opened and rather stunned.

Gold, Crimson, Spice. In plush, ripe tones.  

The world was changing before my very eyes. I shut off the car, turned the volume knob to the left and listen.

It was silent, yet not quiet. Still, yet moving at incredible speed. The delicious sound of of wind and and earth blending. Like some ethereal sound from a story book.  The smells of smoke from nearby chimneys and  exhaust from my still warm engine filled the air around me. The kind of smell that reminds you of being young.

The leaves and the wind and the Earth had surrendered themselves to the consequences of time. The changing of things, of seasons.

I thought about the changing things in my life. Housing, and Finances. Our Country. My Relationships.
All these things changing, changing, changing.
And I know. I know that things are always changing, morphing, becoming better or worse.

Life is steady in its changing ways. 
This, I know.

 Right now, though  it seems as if life is throwing at me a different kind of steady.
A different kind of change.  The leaves of my life are turning from chlorophyll green to a rusty red, I do believe. Different from what they used to be.

My heart is changing. My desires are changing.

 And yet, I tend to keep a watchful eye on that rear view mirror of seasons. I keep wanting to turn around, go back to my eco green lifestyle of not ever needed anyone and living out of a backpack. To my own, private poisonous urge to change everything, to act without reason, to move for movement's sake, to unsettle everything that God has ordained.

I struggle with looking too far ahead and too close behind.  I struggle with change. Its pretty dumb.

Last year, at about this same time I wrote in my journal:
"...Usually, I would keep going, crunch the leaf and continue on my way…. By for some reason this time it was different.
Maybe it was the way this piece of summer gently floated off the tree down to my feet. Maybe it was the color that caught my eye, a brownish red, the color of change- of different things coming. Whatever the reason was, I stopped and stared at this little leaf for a while.
This solitary leaf.
This first soldier of winter.

I thought about change in life.
Change is seasons, in our season.
In my life.

I wondered if the leaf wanted to fall.
Or if it had a choice.

I wondered if the leaf wanted to stay up on the tree, where it was comfortable, and how even if I picked it up and glued it back to the tree -it would still be out of place. Even if it went back.
I wondered if the leaf would even want to go back now- back to the easy way of life- because maybe … it was supposed to fall, to change

As I stood there on the sidewalk staring down at my feet and this strange phenomenon before me, I thought of this summer. This season of the sun now winding down, falling into rest. . The ending of something beautiful. I gave a September sigh...."

A year later and I'm still battling this monster. A year later and I'm still uneasy about Fall, my fall and The Great Fall.

They say, at the Conference, that God isn't so much concerned with what we go through as our attitudes and reactions to the events.

I think thats probably true.

Its how I react to the change around me that matters more than whats going on.
Its if I keep driving, or if I pull over and open my eyes.
Its if I choose to remain dazed and tired or if I shut the car off and listen.
Its if I choose to engage in now, in RIGHT NOW, instead of waiting once again, to go somwhere else.
Its if I live today because He gave it to me.
Its if I realize that Gold, Crimson and Spice are sometimes far more exciting than green.

Its if I pray, like Thomas Merton, that "instead of merely wiring something, I may be something. So fully that the mere fact of being what I ought and doing what I should would be more elloquent than many books."

Its resting while yet pressing on.

Its knowing that He won't lead me anywhere I'm not supposed to go.
Its being ok with taking this road.
Where ever it might go.


big things come in small ways sometimes


  1. This is all together beautiful.
    Thank God for bumps in the road that slow us down to the present- to be where we are and relish in the beauty of the moment.
    A gift from God. 'Tis amazing.